I have my days. And some are much, much worse than others. But today is a good day and for the first time in a long time, I feel happy. No. Not happy.

This is all very bittersweet.

--

It's true. You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

I am so disappointed in myself. How could I have given up on one of my biggest passions? Why did I pass out on my countless chances to go to Germany? Why was I unable to put myself above him and do things for myself? Why did I let him hold me back into starting anew in a different city?

Well, if you're ever wondering about me, again, I have my days. I'm learning to do things for myself and I am going to get better. I want you to know that I am trying. I suppose it's just hurtful when my all is never enough. No matter how content and weightless I become, when it comes to you, I'm always gonna be that sad, troubled girl who freaked you out and made you take caution. You were the first boy to make me feel loved, and beautiful, and visible. You, are my first love and I want more than anything for you to be my last. But I can't do this anymore. You know, you used to be the guy that would make me feel like the most special girl in the whole world. But it doesn't feel that way anymore. Now it just feels sad, and confusing, and the worst part is, it doesn't really feel that bad anymore.

This is my life, from here on outwards. I will put myself and those who love me first. I will move on from this with or without you. I will let by-gones be by gones and my past will not define my future. I will leave you and mini-us behind me and I will move forward.

This is me growing stronger and I will become my own happiness.